THE CINEMATIC CALAMITY GOODBYE SPECIAL

[Reading time: 4 minutes]

Howdy, Cinematic Calamity fans everywhere! Well, this is my 16th article, and it’s also, I am very sorry to say, my final one as the Master of Movie Disasters is putting his quill back in the inkwell for a while. I believe an award ceremony is in order here: if the Oscar awards held by that pretentious Academy reward the best of Hollywood, well, by gum, I can do the exact same thing with… THE CORMAN AWARDS!!! Named after legendary schlocky filmmaker Roger Corman, famous for his kitschy B-movies, this award goes to the people and films which I deem worthy of my approval:

  • Corman Award for Best Picture: Batman & Robin

Everybody else hates this film, but I found it so ridiculously entertaining that I gave it a 9/10, the joint highest score with King Kong vs Godzilla!

  • Corman Award for Worst Picture: Food Fight

Gross-out humour, obnoxious characters, hideous animation, and Wayne Brady all served to make this one of the most insufferable animated films I’ve ever seen. I gave it my lowest-ever score of 4/10, whereas the worst live-action film I reviewed, the remake of The Fog, got a 5/10!

  • Corman Award for Best Worst Picture: Howard the Duck

For a film known for its awful cheesiness, this duck laid a grade-A egg in my heart and, as the epitome of the “so-bad-it’s-good” philosophy, it got 8/10!

  • Corman Award for Television: Wonder Woman

Far from the cheesy camp I expected, this series held up surprisingly well, especially with its clever writing and Lynda Carter in the title role! It got 9/10.

  • Corman Award for Best Actor: Tom Welling in The Fog

The swaggering, handsome and likable lead of Smallville enjoyed a rare cinematic outing, and his charm buoyed this otherwise-turgid John Carpenter remake.

  • Corman Award for Best Actress: Melissa Joan Hart in Holiday in Handcuffs

Sabrina the Formerly-Teenage Witch worked her magic on every scene in this dismal Christmas rom-com, using every single micro-expression in her repertoire. Also, she ate milk and cookies and did ice skating, and it was all kinds of “aww”.

  • Corman Award for Worst Actor: Mario Lopez in Holiday in Handcuffs

The Saved by the Bell hunk put on a clockwork and wooden performance and gave back none of the energy that Melissa Joan Hart was constantly drip-feeding him.

  • Corman Award for Worst Actress: Lea Thompson in Howard the Duck

The infamous actress did herself no favours letting her performance be overshadowed by that of a little man in a creepy-looking duck suit.

  • Corman Award for Best TV Actor: Shinji Todo in Toei’s Spider-Man

Todo mi amor eres tu… The Japanese actor gave an expressive and emotionally-committed performance in this brilliantly bizarre tokusatsu series.

  • Corman Award for Best TV Actress: Lynda Carter in Wonder Woman

Before Gal Gadot rocked the costume, Lynda Carter and her transforming twirl brought WW to life with a charismatic, heartfelt and plucky performance.

  • Corman Award for Best Supporting Actor: “Ahnold” in Batman & Robin

The Governator Schwarzenegger revelled in chewing the scenery and spouting ice puns as Mr Freeze, indulging in the film’s wacky and colourful atmosphere.

  • Corman Award for Best Supporting Actress: Uma Thurman in Batman & Robin

Before she killed Bill, Thurman killed it as the saucy seductress Poison Ivy!

  • Corman Award for Best Voice Acting in an Animation: Everyone who participated in this nightmarish Food Fight, except Wayne Brady

From Charlie Sheen’s throaty growl, to Christopher Lloyd’s diabolical cackle, to Eva Longoria’s steamy femme-fatale, and Hilary Duff’s signature crackling voice, this wormy spaghetti with dirt Bolognese was full of great voice acting!

And so thus ends the era of The Cinematic Calamity. Perhaps someday there’ll be another review, perhaps this was the last one. Who knows? Maybe this is just a summer break, or maybe it’s more than that! But whatever happens, there is a wonderful and magical place, a home away from home, an Enchanted Place, a land of make-believe. That place is Hollywood, the Hundred Acre Wood of dreams and hope, where the heroes of our favourite films continue to entertain and inspire us for generations to come. That’s where you’ll find me. And in the words of Doctor Who, “One day, I shall come back, yes, I shall come back. Until then, there must be no regrets, no tears, no anxieties. Just go forward in all your beliefs and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mind”

As a final word of thanks, I would like to dedicate this article to the man who made it all possible: my wonderful editor and friend, Jack G. I would also like to thank the person who, through her encouragements, gave me the spark to light the fire: Maggie S. Kudos to my wonderful readers, including Chio C, Brett P, Andrew T, Rick R, Caitlin O, Phoebe L, and of course Alex O.

All together now! (to the tune of “The Mickey Mouse Club Alma Mater”)

Come along, let’s watch some wrong, and terrible movies,

CIN-EMA-TIC CALAMITY…

Thru the years we’ll all be friends, wherever we may be,

CIN-EMA-TIC CALAMITY…

Cinema, cinema,

Forever let us hold our standards low…

Now it’s time to say goodbye, from me, to all of thee,

CIN (And that’s all folks!), EMA (eh, there’s always next time!)

TIC CALAMITY…

 

The Master of Movie Disasters – XOXO

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